Updated: Aug 24, 2021
For the past few days, I've been thinking of what topic to write about. Although there are a lot of things in my mind that I'd like to share with you, somehow nothing seems to be flowing through properly.
But only a few minutes ago, I read about a friend's Instagram post about how his marriage is turning upside down... communication is falling apart, dreams and visions are separating ways and not talking to each other those kinda things. Totally resonated! He reminded me of my past.
So, I decided to write about Mindfulness and Relationships and what I have realised.
As we already know, every relationship has its ups and downs. Because every one of us have our light and dark sides. Problem starts when we chose to only accept our partner's light side and see her dark side as something completely intolerable.
There are a few things I've learned from my relationship with my husband. Some of which, I am still working on.
You see, years ago, when I realised that there were a lot of things about me that he couldn't accept, I became very upset and felt angry inside. It was mainly, the way I speak, the way I think, the way I express myself, the way I behave, to the extent of the way I look seemed to disturb him over and over again like an infinity loop. Almost everyday, there are things about me that he complaints about.
Because there were hurtful words that came from someone I fully trusted, those words became echoes in my mind. They were echoes that took over my clarity.
Well, these were based on my side of the story.
The Light and Dark Sides
The light side was commonly described as being calmed, peaceful, happy, selfless and able to fulfill our partner’s expectations. While the dark side would be the opposite. In reality, we are both a Jedi and a Sith.
My thought on relationship was, if we love someone, we should accept both the light and dark sides. Loving the entirety of our partner. I often questioned myself, did I accept him for who and how he is?
The Work of the Unconscious Mind
According to Freud’s three levels of the mind,
“the unconscious mind is the primary source of human behavior. Like an iceberg, the most important part of the mind is the part you cannot see. Our feelings, motives and decisions are actually powerfully influenced by our past experiences, and stored in the unconscious.”
The unconscious mind is a reservoir of feelings, deep desires and negative thoughts from our past experiences. Whenever we experience something unpleasant or something that reminds us of our traumatic experiences, the unconscious mind takes over and influences our behavior through automatic reactions such as the fight, flight or freeze reactions. The main reason, was to protect us against any perceived threats and the risk of being hurt again.
Mindfulness and The Unconscious Mind
In the practice of Mindfulness, the foundation is Awareness. By being aware of how we think, react and behave, we could typically save ourselves from many unpleasant situations with our partner. Unfortunately, most of us chose to react emotionally or physically instead of responding mindfully.
To communicate with our unconscious mind, we need to be silent and calmed. Through meditation, we are travelling to a hypnotic state of mind where inner transformation is made possible through deep listening and positive self-talks.
Mindfulness and Relationship
5 Things You Need to Remember
1. That our unconscious mind is always trying to protect us. By being aware of our thoughts, stories and possible reactions that might arise, we can change our relationship with the stressors. We could take deep breaths, be silent and respond mindfully based on what we are experiencing right NOW. Avoid catastrophic reactions, by all means.
2. The need for acceptance is the need to satisfy our ego. We do not need to seek validation from others but we need to be accountable for our own words and actions.
3. We can be both light and dark. That’s how all of us are. Learn to accept the entirety of your partner and the entirety of yourself. Do not judge when darkness prevails but offer more tender loving care.
4. When in doubt, return to your five senses. Pay attention to the inputs that are entering you. Control your reactions through deep belly breathing. When the nervous system is calmed, your view of the world changes.
5. Mindfulness is not the cure for all our pains and sufferings or for healing any relationships that are destructive to us, but it gives us clarity to discern, to make decisions and to understand who we are.
The foundation of mindfulness is our breath. And it is the source of our joy and true happiness.
In the next post, I will be sharing with you a few tips on how to build an intimate relationship with your breath.
Meanwhile, here's a quick 10 minutes Mindful Yoga for Relaxation practice for you. I hope you'll enjoy it!
I wish all of you Peace and Clarity